Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Scars of Hope

It was a moment. A viligent western cowboy came in with his pocket knife and rope. He had a glean in his eye as he searched for the routhless criminal. He asked the townsmen if they had seen him pass their way. They nodded and went about their business. His plan was simple. To rope him and bring him to the sheriff...and if there was any resistance he would surely have to use his pocket knife. Then it happened....he fell. With bravery and a calm voice he showed me his knee. A little bit of blood was visible. There was going to be a scar...

The story for him was simple, falling on his way to the next town {the laundry room} was unplanned. But for a 7 year old boy his wound was not going to keep him down. He never shed a tear and even while the sun is setting refuses to wear a band-aid. His scar has meaning...and it soon became part of his story.
Evidently we all will wear a scar of some sort. Whether it is something unplanned, like a accident or something tied to a memory it is up to us how we see our scars. For some those scars can be deep, rooted in some sort of childhood memory. Forgiveness for those scars come slow. Forgetting where they come from may never happen. For me those scars are written on my heart. Memories are hard...but I have seen the Lord use those scars as he molded me into the Woman of God I am now. I have seen the joy in relationships that are covered in forgiveness, and I see those scars differently now. Those scars are a part of my story.

But there is one more scar in my life. One that was planned.

This scar is a little different.

{A heart note: This is my story of my heart, many that are dear to me have made this decesion. I love them all dearly and do not mean this in any judgemental sort of way!!! Each one of us are different and make differnet choices, for my family and I this choice ended in regret}

A number of years ago my husband and I found ourselves in a season of life. A season full of changes, uncertainities, and fear. We were bringing a third child into our life, we were greatful for each of them and rejoiced in our newest little guy. The day he was born we made another choice, a choice to stop having anymore. A decesion that seemed very "natural" at the time. I was wheeled in to have my tubes tied. I hung onto the words of many around us who said we already had our hands full. I clung to the fear and uncertainties of our lifestyle and reassured myself  this was the best choice.  My new little guy was in the nursery and I yearned to hold him. My other two where at home sound asleep. In that room, in the silence of no one around I felt like I had just given a part of my heart away.   I cried.

Not just once but many times over the next seven years my heart seemed to ache over this decesion. I would pour my heart out to the Lord. I would run my fingers over the scar across my belly button no bigger than a button and fall to my knees. In His soverignty I asked for forgiveness. In His promises I found joy. And it was in the years that passed, sheparding my three blessings serveing alongside my husband whereever God lead Him where I found contentment.

Over the last two years both of our hearts yearned for more blessings and we begun to look into expanding our family through foster care or international adoption. It took about a year of researching, paperwork and praying for peace when we saw God closing those doors. He then begun leading us into a different direction.

This past friday I was wheeled into a different recovery room. One where my husband sat smiling at me and my oldest daughter held my hand. It was here where that little scar across my navel took on a new meaning. A bigger scar now replaces it...a scar that is healing slowly. One of hope. Hope for more of Gods blessings in the years to come.

We don't know for sure what will define this new scar. It may be a joyous new little face, with a new name and another chance. It may be one of grief if the Lord wills for any of our seeds to see him first and they pass from our womb. It may be silence. We don't know the plans He has for us.

But what I do know is this...I am humbled that He has given us this oppurutnity. I am greaftul for the overflowing support and encouragement from many who have walked alongside us in this journey. And while I sit still sore, I feel like my heart is whole.

{If you are interested or considering a tubal/Vascetomy reversal feel free to check out these sites which have been a great encouragement for me.}


~May God bless you today as you love on your arrows~